10 Things God Can't Do: #6

6. God Can't Remember Your Past Sins.

Isaiah 43:25 -- "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."

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The room was lit only with the hazy blue glow of the television and the DVD player set to repeat an old History Channel special. The slow hum of the ceiling fan blades could barely be heard over the pounding rain and the wild winds outside. I told myself that the storm is what awoke me in the dead of night and the reason why my heart pounded so loudly that I couldn't hear much of anything else.

But inside, I knew that wasn't true.

As a Great Horned Owl shouted loudly in the woods out back, I wiped the sweat from my forehead and attempted to leave the bed without waking Steven. Checking on the deep and even sounds of his sleep, I crept out to the porch and enjoyed the storm.

It matched my mood to a fault.

Inside my head kept playing old angry words like a record player with a skip that makes the needle jump. I don't know why I can't put the ugly scene behind me - but now and then - I am emotionally brought back to an isolated beach nestled in an outcrop of islands in the Philippines - and I am a senior in high school again. I am looking into the eyes of a person I trusted and loved deeply - while her lips are giving me all the reasons she no longer cares for my company. My own eyes are filling up with tears and I wrestle with an angry reply that went unsaid. I wanted to argue with her. I wanted to call her back as she turned around and walked away. But I did nothing. I said nothing. I just stood there staring at the waves roll in with the tide.

I thought she was my best friend. For almost three years she and I were as thick as thieves, and now - at the end of it all - when our lives were about to separate with undetermined futures and post graduation dreams, I learned that there were so very many things she didn't like about me. A lot of them weren't even about ME, but instead were pet-peeves about my perceived popularity. A thing I had no control over, by the way.  And then she just left. I could still see her foot prints in the soft sand.

For seemingly no reason at all I woke up from a nice sleep at two in the morning to remember that scene. It doesn't happen very often - but it DOES still happen, and for the life of me I can't figure out why I just can't let it go. Why hash up all the hurt? Is it because I didn't get to defend myself? Is it because I never told her how much it hurt or what a deep betrayal it was to me? Or is it simply because I'm still a little bit angry after all these years?

I think of Isaiah 43:25 and a little something has me catching my breath. It's four little words in the middle of the verse that I'd never really thought about before. In this verse we are told that our past sins are blotted out and remembered no more - "for my own sake". 

Really?! For Jesus' own sake?

I guess I can see that. How deeply must it hurt him to know that he gave up his own life for us just so we could keep on sinning? What if he forgives us for a behavior to which we return from time to time - try as we might to avoid it? Or what if he just couldn't get out of his head the torments and taunts thrown at him while he hung in agony on the cross?

We would be no less forgiven - but I think HE would be down right miserable with bitterness and hurt. Could he love us unconditionally, then? Would he be able to experience joy? Could he revel in the arms of our Amazing Father if there were bitterness in the way?

I'm thinking not.

And the same goes for us.

Does my inability to let go of some events on our senior trip in high school prevent my friend from moving on with her life? Does it cause her to pause and offer up an apology?

No. But it sure does interrupt MY sleep. It keeps me from the true joy and amazing grace Jesus offers ME. It keeps my focus from the things that HE needs me to do as I wallow in my own self pity and emotional anguish.

No - it's no good remembering the pain that was so very long ago. I must learn to give it all over to the Lord. Every minute, if that's what it takes. Because HE should be my focus. HE should be my joy. He can't be those things if I allow bitterness and hurt to get in the way.

Aren't you glad that our Savior can't hold on to the past? I know I am. And I'm so very thankful that He will allow me to do the same if I only ask him to.