Control, Alt, Delete

John 19:30 -- "It is finished"

In my previous blog "Bear With .... Everyone?" I brought up the subject of forgiveness. In my personal devo today forgiveness was, once again, the main topic.  At first I wondered what I'd missed about this life lesson but then it was brought to my attention that forgiveness isn't a one-way street. Sometimes the hardest thing we are faced with is to forgive ourselves.

I can identify completely.

I don't talk about this much outside a very few and close-knit circle of loved ones but it bares sharing, I think.

Ages ago it seems, I was the sole office administrator for the district hub of a large insurance company. The office was the backbone for the entire North/East of the state AND our particular district was one of the largest and most profitable branches of the company nationwide. My training and years of experience in this field of management singled me out form the countless others that had applied for the job and I was hired into one of the most challenging positions I've ever taken.  There were many nights I would come home and just collapse into a heap of sobbing mess, second guessing my abilities and my decision to take the job.  Steven was amazingly supportive and even the boys were sympathetic and encouraging. With the family in full support behind me....I was determined, and pushed forward with the strength of a steam locomotive.  FINALLY, I reached a point when I had gained the confidence and the trust of those around me and had grown comfortable and efficiently into the role.

And that's when the rug was pulled out from under me. The district manager came in one afternoon to review some financial statements that I had prepared for him and it was only seconds into his review that he came to the office door and said he needed to see me.  I thought nothing of it....I obliged. The atmosphere in the office began to shift slightly and I could feel a tension in his manner - then he pointed out a $4,000.00 mistake.  That's right....FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS! I felt my heart drop into the bottom of my stomach and I just stood there blinking for a moment.  What in the world happened?

I spent ALL of that afternoon trying to find the paper trail that would somehow point to the offending cause of this mistake so I could rectify the situation....but it was to no avail.  I spent hours on the phone with the company that billed us for the said four thousand dollars only to be told that there was nothing they could do about it, the bill had already been paid.  I was devastated.  I told my boss that I would handle it.  I would do everything in my power to remedy the account..EVEN, take it out of my own pocket if necessary.

The next morning came, I was a frazzled mess with a very upset stomach, and when I reached my desk the district manager came to me and informed me that it was not in the company's best interest to keep me.  Internally, I actually agreed with him - but I was still so completely devastated. For the life of me, I couldn't find how to fix this thing. It was my fault, there didn't seem to be any getting around that....but I could not find out what I'd done to mess things up this badly.  I asked the district manager to forgive me and told him that somehow, I would find a way to make it right - even though I was no longer employed.

He then told me that he felt like I was a Godly woman and that he wished me the best.  But he never said the words I so very much longed to hear.  "I forgive you." I was crushed. I almost declined my final pay check but thought better of it because of family commitments at the time.

The tough part?  I have never been able to forgive myself.  Even though it was years ago, I still have bad dreams.  I wake up in the middle of the night so very disappointed in myself.  And what's worse....I introduced myself as a Christan.  A woman who follows Jesus.  What must they think of Christians after what transpired in that office...with me at the helm?

It was months before I even LOOKED at the classified section of the news paper for another job. When I did finally get up the nerve to look for other employment I couldn't bring myself to apply for positions similar to the one I'd left -- I stuck to retail, part time jobs that were well below my experience and training.  I was [and am still] terrified that I will mess up again.

And then my devo for today focused my attention on forgiveness. [Again].  When Jesus took our sins to the cross with him, he endured much to erase our shortcomings and build a bridge to fill the gap between us and God. Sheer grace....and grace alone.

In Jeremiah, God tells us "I will forgive their wrongdoing and never again remember their sin." [Jer 31:34]. And then as he hung, painfully and slowly dying on the cross, he pronounced in what must have been barely a pain-laden whisper "It is finished."

It's done. Jesus died on the cross for ALL of my sins.....even the four thousand dollar one.  If he will never again remember it....what am I saying about his pain, his torment, his unbelievable burden on that cross if I hang on to it?  Am I telling him that what he did for me wasn't enough?  Do I dare compare my actions, my efforts to HIS sacrifice?....By constantly beating myself up over something that happened in my past -- whatever that something is -- I am effectively undermining his blood price for my salvation.

Is there something in YOUR life that you hang on to?  Do you, like me, remind yourself  how you've failed?  Perhaps it's time to take our fingers....place them over the keyboard of our lives and simultaneously press Control, Alt, Delete. Let it go. That was recommended in my devo today.....I was reminded to ACCEPT God grace.