Groaning Deep

Romans 8:26 -- "And in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words."

 

Tyler Wayne Dalton 1998 -- 16" 4.7lbs

Watching the steam rise up in billows around me, I took deep breaths in through my nose and blew them out with trembling lips as I scrubbed down from bicept to finger tips with the pre-packaged, sanitized sponge brush and acidic anti-everything hospital soap.  Steven did the same at his sink next to me.  We looked at one another and held each others gaze, attempting to steel ourselves in ready to walk through the huge doors of the NICU [Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit] at the University Hospital in Jacksonville. Double checking our anit-everything hermetically sealed jump suits, we commanded the tears to stop and walked into the most precious of all hospital wards on the planet.

Immediately bombarded by beeping and mechanical breathing, a sound that actually became a comfort to me, we walked around the tiny plastic boxes with precious tiny bundles in them until we came to the "bedside" of our son.  In spite of the nurses gently asking us to try to hold ourselves in check, the tears flowed freely. [The nurses weren't being mean, but when one parent let loose.....all of them were likely to follow.]

It was April 5th. Yesterday, in Orange Park, in forty-five minutes this little person came into the world without so much as a cry [because he couldn't] and was immediately rushed to Jacksonville.  Like I said, it was April 5th. Tyler Wayne Dalton was actually DUE on June 2nd. So early was his arrival that his lungs hadn't fully developed and the large machine to my left was breathing for him.  He weighed in at a whopping four pounds and some change.  His entire leg from hip to toe-tip was the length of my thumb.

His Daddy and I just stood across from one another, looking at this tiny little person through blurry, tear-filled eyes.  I didn't even get to hold him when he was born and Steven was barely given a proper introduction to his new born son because they had to get him hooked up to all these life-giving cords and wires.

It was then, at that moment of heart-break and torment that I, Ms. Writer, Ms. Spinner of Art With Words, just stood there....completely silent.  Utterly speechless.  For...."I did not know how to pray as I should".  With all of my heart I wanted to be selfish.  God, PLEASE, let me have this little bundle to hold close to me and raise into a man that serves You.  God PLEASE don't take this baby away from his Daddy.  And in the words of Mark Shultz "God, he's not just anyone, he's my son." [I still cannot listen to that song without crying].

And here is where the Lord really did pick us up and carry us, where we only see one set of footprints in the sand because Steven and I couldn't even crawl at that point.  The Spirit Himself interceded for us with groanings even deeper than our own. 

Tyler Wayne Dalton 2013 -- 6', 168 lbs

...and I learned obedience.

At home alone, [Steven was at work and Brian was visiting Grandma] I curled up in the floor of the shower and cried my heart out.  "God, thank you for letting me experience Tyler for the past seven months.  Thank you for that joy, that hope, and that promise. If that is the sum of the gift you have given us, then I will serve you obediently, though it will be in grief.  I will thank you for that gift.  I will also be heart-broken....but I will be your servant."

...and the Spirit interceded for us with groanings too deep for words.

After a month and some odd days in the NICU we brought Tyler home.  He would be on a heart monitor for a while, and neither of us got much sleep for listening out for his breathing......and  for a happier sleeplessness I could never ask!

I think Amy Grant sums it up nicely when she sings "God loves a lullaby in a mother's tears in the dead of night, better than a hallelujah sometimes." Because....I didn't know to pray as I should, the Spirit interceded.  I couldn't pray because I was crying very deeply.  I love that God will carry us when we can't walk.  HE loves when we totally, completely and utterly NEED Him.

I am thankful for THAT.