Um, Yeah ... I Can't Pay For That

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8-9 [ESV]

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Empty.

When I randomly took a peek out the window while prepping for an appointment, it took several seconds for my brain to register what should have been the obvious change to the driveway. At first, the only thing I could understand was that there WAS a difference. It was not how I'd left it when I'd tucked into bed the night before.

For the life of me, I will never understand how it took me so long to determine what had changed. It was very obviously empty. There SHOULD have been a faded but still very red, four-door [with two door handles missing], in runs-only-condition Kia with a big fat faded Band Aide bumper sticker covering up a long-past fender bender, parked right in the middle of a very empty driveway. A.K.A. -the chariot within which I was about to journey across the river to the doctor. A.K.A - "Rusty."

Rusty was GONE.

At first, I found it odd that anybody with a brain would pick trusty Rusty as their illegal procurement of choice. It is HOT down here in Florida, and the thing does not have AC. Nor can you really lock it because, as I mentioned, two of the door handles are missing. The radio does not function, and the interior dome is gone, so you get to feel the intense Florida sky bake the top of your head if you are in it for any great amount of time.

 And I LOVED, loved, loved every inch of her. However, my love for Rusty is probably very unique, and if the goal was to lift an item of value, Rusty was NOT it.

Once again, blinking at the empty, and in retrospect, somewhat embarrassed by the great length of time it took my brain, I DID finally draw the obvious conclusion ... the car had been repo-ed. As in - reclaimed by the financial entity that now holds the crumpled and tattered title. Nobody stole it. 

This meant several things, but only two were urgent. I had to call the surgeon's office and let them know I could not make my appointment.... and I had to find out why our cash-purchased car belonged to somebody else.

Yes, fellow human souls who may or may not relate - my life is, indeed, this messy. The little events and tiny details that culminated into this inevitable moment of my dumpster fire of a life could be spun into quite the tale. And one day, they probably will - but for the moment, I would like to focus on the empty driveway.

The very. Empty. Driveway.

None of us are strangers to the current HORENDOUS economy. Thousands of us are STILL recovering from COVID-19 in every sense of the word. Some of us - hopefully fewer than personally suspected - made a decision [or several] in complete, blind, gut-wrenching panic. One of MY horrible choices - to escape the dreaded red line on our dwindling liquid [more like dusty] assets- was to take the very last thing of monetary significance that I completely owned and borrowed against it for far much less than it was worth. Just to keep the lights on, the diapers changed, and one significant meal on the table at least every other day. Yes, it was that bad. And before all of you who personally know me and my extended family ask me, let me answer - family can't help you if they don't KNOW you need help. 

Our families were not blind to our struggles. Anyone on the outside looking in could see that things were less than stellar, and several—I reiterate—SEVERAL, kind, heart-felt, comforting offers were extended, and even some accepted. However, no one was actually informed of the degree to which our ship was going down until we were two heads left on the vast ocean surface, bobbing up and down, swallowing salt water. Because we didn't ask for help while we could still keep our feet dry. Because we thought we could save ourselves. We weren't addressing any of the real underlying issues that really needed our focus.  We thought - that if we could just work at it hard enough,  fix some of the mistakes we've made, and keep moving forward, we could get to solid ground again on our own. So yes, I did a stupid thing. But even worse than that? I have allowed things to become so chaotic in my life that I had completely forgotten all about the very last payment on said stupid thing. 

But I digress.

The second thing on my suddenly urgent docket was to find - somewhere, somehow - the right people to call so that I MIGHT meet the ransom demand for my Rusty's safe return.

Several hours later, listening to the numbers coming from the nice lady's lips on the other end of the phone line, I hear my brain say, "Um, yeah. I can't pay for that." Verbally, I simply thanked the woman and hung up the phone. 

My tears have been spent ten times over. Rusty really WAS the very last physical, monetary tether I had to this planet. In the tiny frame of just the last three years, I have lost NEARLY everything. Again, there is a book yet to be written in those words, but today's reminder is so simple: we CAN'T cover our debts. None of us can. 

While not every one of us has the kind of physical debt that leaves a 52-year-old body with no savings, no income, and no transportation - every single one of us has fallen short. There is a price tag attached to every breath we take, and it seems so, so silly to me that we all keep trying to DO and to BE in order to survive and thrive.  We think -  "At some point, I'm going to learn my lesson and not mess up so badly tomorrow. If I just pay attention, pray enough, and make amends ... maybe I'll have enough to get my soul out of hock."

But ... we can't really pay the actual, true cost of US. We don't have the credit.

Rusty is gone, in large part, because I thought I was enough. I tried to save a sinking ship by myself with my own understanding and strength and I figured that I could somehow magically create enough value in the things I was doing, eventually I would have enough to pay for my choices. I made terrible decisions and do not have the ransom to get Rusty back.

You and I? We can't cover our real debts. Nothing we can do, say, or imagine could come close to the blood of Jesus Christ. 

God knows that. 

God knows I am gonna mess up again tomorrow. [Obviously, hopefully, it won't be in this particular manner again, but I AM going to mess up again.] I am going to ask for forgiveness and repent. I'm going to pray more tears, and I'm going to keep making mistakes. 

That's. Why. JESUS

There is absolutely nothing I am or have that is going to be able to meet the financial requirements to cover the check I wrote that my tush can't cash. Thank you, Lord Jesus, for saving me with the free-to-me gift of YOUR blood. I am saved by GRACE.