Surrender

 "And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8 [NIV]

In a moment clarified to the point of near-literal tunnel vision, I could do nothing but sit still for a moment and let the words replay in my head on a loop. Almost savoring each one individually and picking them apart as if to see if they were formed of sturdy stuff, I honed in on the word FREEDOM.

"There is a lot of freedom in having nothing left to lose." -John Crossfield

"Eye of the Storm-Process" Jeremy Young/Adobe Stock

Even though the telecom monitor, I'm sure Mr. Crossfield could see the gape in my mouth and the light pop on just behind my eyes. The tears even stopped abruptly. "I never thought about it that way!"

A few weeks ago, I looked out onto a very empty driveway and had to come to terms with the repossession of our last vehicle—our only vehicle. The loss of "Rusty" [yes, I name my cars - or more accurately, my kids name my cars.] was the last little droplet left in a very compromised bucket that had been steadily leaking assets for the past three years. The house was the first thing we lost, then we lost the storage units in which all of said house stuff was stored, then we lost "Gertie" [the new car] and then - just when we thought things were starting to bounce back and we were finally getting things under control - we lost "Rusty". Believe it or not - somewhere in the middle of all of that, we also lost three grandkids to miscarriage. 

So, as I sat across from my healthcare provider, giving a brief run-down on how the week had gone, well, you can guess I wasn't all sparkles and sunshine. No sleep had come to me the night before because I was playing fist-a-cuffs with my guilty conscience. I was beating myself up and counting a million things I could have and should have done differently prior to this exhausting point in my life.

Until I heard Mr. Crossfield say, "freedom," - I had only felt the heaviness of loss.

Then God whispered, "Be still. Just be still for a minute and remember - 2 Corinthians 9:8". 

Fellow souls, I think it's so easy for us to feel chastised, punished, and unworthy when we make major mistakes. We kick ourselves when we look backward and become aware of the many opportunities God tried to provide us to right the ship. Don't get me wrong, if we don't take those moments of deep reflection, we might not learn where the navigation went so terribly wrong. But if we get STUCK there? With a bird's eye focus on the weight of the storm? We lose sight of the One calming it. Like a ship in heavy cloud cover, we don't see the North Star. It IS there. Always. We just can't see it because we are only looking at the huge waves and heavy rain.

This past week, I was afforded a very rare and precious three days with all three of my grandkids. And I don't know why - but as they splashed and played in an inflatable pool on sale at Walmart - I kept thinking about Judas. Tot number 1 was antagonizing Tot number 2. Tot number 2 is an only child and has been struggling with the concept that HER Mimaw is actually also a Mimaw to Tot numbers 1 and 3. Somehow, Tot number 1 has become fully aware of this and has decided to flaunt toys, food, attention, and pretty much any other thing that she knows Tot 2 has to share. Standing up to correct her for being kinda mean [again], Tot 1 just drops the hose she was flaunting and storms out of the pool, tripping on the bouncy edge and face-planting into the sand.

Oh, those big crocodile tears! I picked her up and soothed her. Then, I explained that she didn't have to give up on play. She could still go have fun; she just needed to share. With that, she jumped back in and let Tot 2 have a turn spraying the hose. 

I was surprised. She had certainly injured herself in her tantrum, and having just turned three, I was fully anticipating that Tot 1 would become completely enveloped by her pout. But she didn't. She took the correction and then laughed for the next three hours along with her brother and her cousin.

I really needed that reminder. Judas is forever separated from his Savior, his Friend, and his Father—not because he messed up. Jesus had already forgiven him for that. But Judas chose not to forgive himself. He gave up. He got stuck in the correction, in the guilt, and in the consequences of his mistakes. He chose to get caught up in the looking backward.

When I finally ended my telehealth conference, I sat back and picked up my Bible. God was pointing me to that verse. 2 Corinthians 9:8. "Don't worry so much and become enveloped by your pout. You made mistakes, yes - but God's plans for you haven't changed. It's only your focus that's been skewed. God has ALWAYS and will ALWAYS provide what you need to do the things He wants you to do."

I just have to STOP setting my eyes on the storm and keep them focused on the One who calms it.