Bear With....Everyone?

Colossians 3::13  --  "Bear with eachother and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive, as the Lord forgave you." [NIV]

 

As the mist settles on the pond in the back yard and the faintest glimmers of day break fade in from the horizon, the only sound I can hear are the wooden rocker legs on the chair in which I view the dawn of a brand new day.  I'm not really viewing anything, though.  I'm angry.  I'm so angry that I'm positive I have more steam coming out of my ears than the large, fuming bull that Bugs Bunny must somehow avoid because he missed the turn in Albaquerque.  My Bible and the Devo study I've been working on sit in my lap, the weight of them there having more to do with the verses I just read than with gravity.

You see, someone [I'm going to call him Sam] called me the other day and "in Christian love" proceeded to tell me what a terrible parent, friend, wife, and just plain human being I am.  He told me I'm a somewhat broken soul that has somehow managed to snag the worst husband on the planet all while permenantly emotionally scarring my children.  Trust me when I explain that the version I have posted in this entry is far, far less colorful and hurtful than the actual words used by Sam when he phoned me.  And while the conversation [I'm using this term very loosely] was several days ago....it still plays in my head like a record player with the little needle thingy set on repeat.  I'm angry.  I'm hurt.  And worse?  I start to doubt my decsion to home school my kids.  Am I really scarring them?

And then there'se this verse....I WANT to be angry.  I really feel like I'm entitled to be more testy than a hornet.  But there is this here verse that says "bear with Sam". Bear with him?  I don't want to be on the same celestial plane!  "Forgive Sam as the Lord has forgiven me."  I don't WANT to forgive Sam.  I'm angry with  Sam!

I sigh.  Very, very deeply and the mallord couple in front of me at the bird seed looks up at me in anticipation of my next startling move.  O.k, Lord...I'll forgive Sam.  Only because you're telling me to, though. NOT because I want to and I'm not going to pretend otherwise.

So I'm prepared to pick up the phone to call Sam even though I know he's not yet awake  [ok, so maybe I wanted to rob him of some zzz's] to tell him it's o.k. that I forgive him - when I'm halted in my tracks.  I look at the verse again.   The verse doesn't tell me to do that.  The verse doesn't say "bear with  Sam and tell him that you forgive him for being a jerk and saying terrible things to you."  The verse says....bear with Sam, forgive Sam.  It just hit me that the verse doesn't give Sam the responsability of accepting my forgiveness or even acknowleding that he did anything wrong.  The verse gives ME the resonsability of owning a grievance and forgiving for it.

So I sit back down in the rocking chair and say out loud [much to the surprise of the ducks] "...but  I WANT  to tell Sam what a jerk he was and demonstrate my good behavior by telling him that I forgive him."  Hey, Sam might feel bad for saying those hurtful  things....I  wouldn't  know this unless I tell him he's  forgiven, right?  But I can almost  physically FEEL the gentle hand of the Holy Spirit on my shoulder encouraging me to remain seated.  "That's not what  I said, is  it?" are the words playing on that internal record player, now.

No, it isn't.